Almost All-knowing
by EffectiveAltruism
Summary: God doesn't quite live up to expectations.


Crap. You turn your back for a moment and a tsunami devastates Japan. What could I do? After all I'm only one overworked god! Being all powerful is no picnic. I was busy trying to figure out a Rubik's Cube that I stumbled upon.

Yes, I screw up like that sometimes, like when I made sexually transmitted diseases possible. I had plans for procreation to be done by staring lovingly into each others eyes and having the genetic information transmitted through light. But in the end I tacked that function onto their urine dispensers. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's impossible for an immortal to be infallible isn't it? I leave that to the pope. It's like that famous notion that with infinite time a monkey with a typewriter would eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. I was going to try that experiment once, but then I realized it'd involve reading the complete works of Shakespeare. If the saying was about the complete works of Dan Brown that'd be a different situation.

The tsunami might have an upside though. The Japanese are an existential risk to humanity, having fewer of them means it's less likely someone will come up with some unstoppable robot dinosaur called "Godzillatron" or something. That'd remedy the dinosaur's only weakness: not also being robots. That's what got them in the end. Dinosaurs sure were awesome though. Especially that kind of brownish one, you know, with the tail. Saurus-something.

To stop a robot dinosaur I'd have to throw together a zombie King Kong or something. Although then I'd have a zombie King Kong on my hands. It'd need a sophisticated command and control system. Dangling a banana in front of it probably wouldn't do. I could get in shape and handle a Godzillatron on my own, but who has the time to stay active?

Humans are always inventing trouble like that. They're social, but also insufferable. A tricky combination. Like the bickering over Palestine. You'd think there was a shortage of desert wasteland. I'm tempted to tell both sides "now no one can have it!". The Palestinians should really just move in between North and South Korea. Act as a buffer, bring some stability to the region. It's the obvious solution, but it'll be more satisfying if I let them come up with it for themselves.

In any case, the Devil might have distracted me with that Rubik's Cube on purpose. Yep, he totally does stuff like that, he's not just some scapegoat I created to blame everything on, no sir, not anymore he isn't. No point calling him though, he's always in some meeting. I wonder who with? Perhaps he's just busy living up to that saying, "speak of the Devil…". I better send someone to keep an eye on him just in case.

* * *

Over on the sofa Jesus is eating cereal and watching a clever-looking fellow named Karl Pilkington talking about Christianity on TV: "I think most people got into it because it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are open now it isn't required as much." Making some philosophical point about the nature of cause and effect no doubt.

God: Son, I need you to shadow the Devil.

Jesus: I'm busy dad, chill.

God: You haven't done anything for two thousand years!

Jesus: Well, it was really stressful! I'm decompressing.

God: You should do something once in a while.

Jesus: Tell that to the holy spirit, just doving around.

God: You know we only included him in the trinity to be nice.

Jesus: So we did. Since you're here, would you mind making me an apple pie?

God: You don't need my supreme power for that.

Jesus: You can throw in a coke too, to make it a worthy challenge.

God: That still doesn't require the power of a God.

Jesus: It doesn't hurt though.

God: …I'll just zip over to the Devil myself.

As I'm leaving the guy on TV goes: "They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?". Things are all relative I suppose.

* * *

Entering the Devil's office in hell, I see there's a solved Rubik's Cube on his desk.

Devil: Long time no see, you're looking very good for your age!

God: Thanks. Who's that outside your office?

Devil: People seem to have something against me, so I got a bodyguard: Brutus, the Roman senator. Good with a dagger.

God: Dependable fellow eh?

Devil: Yeah, he'd only kill an all-powerful tyrant, like Caesar or Napoleon.

God: Rome needed Caesar because there was no work for the common people.

Devil: True, slaves were hoarding all the jobs. Those foreigners really should've thought of the unemployed natives before they got themselves enslaved.

God: …Also, France needed Napoleon after the French Revolution. Good idea, terrible execution. He's in heaven now actually, he's gathered some popularity there with his platform of "Vive l'Empereur!". He even had the nerve to call my work "somewhat intelligent design". He's not after my position though, says it's a dead-end job. People think of Napoleon as this ruthless conqueror, but actually, what they fail to realize is that he really wasn't that short

Devil: They'll let anyone into heaven these days eh? Although in my opinion it's not really worth the trip.

God: On that topic, I was thinking maybe we should let non-Christians into heaven after a while in hell.

Devil: You can't let them get off with some billion year slap on the wrist, you goody two-shoes! The infinite bliss of heaven minus a finite amount of non-bliss in hell is still infinite bliss!

God: It's a lesser infinity though.

Devil: That's a real deterrence.

God: We could let sinners spend a day every once in a while in hell. Add it all up and it's technically still an infinite amount of time spent here.

Devil: Cheat people out of their promised damnation? It's their choice not be Christians. We must respect their free will! Forcing them into heaven would be tyrannical.

God: We could at least let in people of similar religions.

Devil: You can't let in people who blindly follow somewhat different rules! It'd be chaos!

God: That's what you said before we allowed Christians other than the Latvian-Orthodox into heaven.

Devil: And didn't they feel special back then? Are you really going to let in the people who say they didn't get in just because the Pearly Gates-guy, Saint Peter, is a sneaky Jew?

God: So's my son.

Devil: I guess the half-god part makes up for it in that case, in contrast to their normal position on half breeds. I hear you and him aren't getting along that well. It's a lot of pressure being the messiah, and being born out of wedlock isn't easy either. Not everyone is cut out to be a father you know.

God: We're fine, although having a god for a father can spoil one a bit.

Devil: My own boy Vlad's no piece of cakewalk in the park. Always impaling people. If you don't know, impalement is putting a stake up someone's nether region. He even tried to impale me! His own father! The little rascal.

God: How did your own father die again?

Devil: Just a run-of-the-mill pitchfork accident. Tragic.

God: Pitchforks, scythes, quite the farm you guys must've come from. If I didn't know better I'd think you guys were only farmer's fancies.

Devil: Don't forget the hammer and sickle guy, I still have nightmares about private property being redistributed. Anyway, it's only ever impaling with Vlad. He's ignoring his rich heritage of disciplinary measures! The lake of fire and whatnot. It isn't just for show! Does wonders for property values though. He's considerate in that he impales people of high standing on higher stakes though.

God: Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Stakes where the sun don't shine, perhaps he's a repressed homosexual? Did you know every older brother a boy has increases his chance of being gay by 1%? You haven't been irresponsible and spawned an army of satanic offspring have you?

Devil: Heavens no! A battalion at the most!

God: That's comforting. At any rate Jesus is no saint either, like back in school when he learned that water into wine trick. Takes after his mother.

Devil: One wonders how the Christian symbol would have turned out had Jesus been impaled rather than crucified. But enough about our dear children, what have you been up to?

God: Nothing special, just making sure the universe runs on time.

Devil: Resting on your laurels eh? Do something worthwhile for once!

God: Worthwhile? I created mankind, in my own image even!

Devil: Must be why they're the most self-conscious species.

God: I forged the universe!

Devil: Well it's certainly big, if nothing else.

God: I made the space-time continuum!

Devil: That was ages ago. You were onto something with space, but you lost me with the whole time thing.

God: No time, just space?

Devil: You should at least slow down time some, it's constantly changing! Not a moment goes by without a moment going by. We could fit in an extra space dimension instead of time. Width, length, depth and height.

God: Avatar in 4D would be rad.

Devil: Or you could try just 2 dimensions, we'd all be nice and thin.

God: Well, thin anyway. But you're really 14 billion years too late with these suggestions.

Devil: You oversleep once and you get ignored because of bureaucratic technicalities…Either way, did you hear about that tsunami?

God: Yeah..

Devil: Don't blame yourself, you can't be everywhere at once.

God: Mhm.

Devil: I mean, I'm sure you were busy with something equally important.

God: Right.

Devil: It's not like you're sitting around playing with toys while millions suffer.

God: No..

Devil: What did you happen to be doing at the time?

God: Oh you know..working on some complicated problems…

Devil: Of course. Terrible tragedy though. There's so much paperwork down here when people die…you can't die, right?

God: Actually I can.

Devil: Really? It's of no particular interest to me of course.

God: It's all in the bible, haven't you read it?

Devil: Bit of a know-it-all aren't you? I thought the Bible was all hearsay.

God: In part, maybe I ought to have proofread it. Well, it's been lovely, but I should get back to solving the world's great problems. Someone is probably getting something stuck in their nether region as we speak.

Devil: Alright, if that something turns out to be a stake, send Vlad a postcard. You take care now!

That thing about me dying in the bible? That was just to trick him into reading it. I was too embarrassed to ask about the Rubik's Cube. It's not like he distracted me from the tsunami on purpose because he has some grand plan to turn everyone against me in a struggle for power over heaven and hell. What could he have against me, surely he's not upset about sexually transmitted diseases?

Now, I'm calling it a day and getting some father-son time in front of the TV. I'm sure dropping the ball with the tsunami will all work out for the best in the end.

The Devil's office, just after God has left. A Japanese man steps out of a shadowy part of the room. In his hands, a blueprint.

Devil: Sorry about the interruption, now tell me more about this "Mechagodzilla" of yours…


End file.
